George Bernard Shaw

WIDOWERS' HOUSES

Avia Artis

2022

ISBN: 978-83-8226-575-0

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Table of contents

Act I

In the garden restaurant of a hotel at Remagen on the Rhine, on a fine afternoon in August in the eighteen-eighties. Looking down the Rhine towards Bonn, the gate leading from the garden to the riverside is seen on the right. The hotel is on the left. It has a wooden annex with an entrance marked Table d'Hote. A waiter is in attendance.

A couple of English tourists come out of the hotel. The younger, Dr Harry Trench, is about 24, stoutly built, thick in the neck, close-cropped and black in the hair, with undignified medical-student manners, frank, hasty, rather boyish. The other, Mr William de Burgh Cokane, is older probably over 40, possibly 50 an ill-nourished, scanty-haired gentleman, with affected manners; fidgety, touchy, and constitutionally ridiculous in uncompassionate eyes.

COKANE [on the threshold of the hotel, calling peremptorily to the waiter] Two beers for us out here. [The waiter goes for the beer.] Cokane comes into the garden]. We have got the room with the best view in the hotel, Harry, thanks to my tact. We'll leave in the morning and do Mainz and Frankfurt. There is a very graceful female statue in the private house of a nobleman in Frankfurt. Also a zoo. Next day, Nuremberg! finest collection of instruments of torture in the world.

TRENCH All right. You look out the trains, will you? [He takes out a Continental Bradshaw, and tosses it on one of the tables].

COKANE [baulking himself in the act of sitting down] Pah! the seat is all dusty. These foreigners are deplorably unclean in their habits.

TRENCH [buoyantly] Never mind : It dont matter, old chappie. Buck up, Billy, buck up. Enjoy yourself. [He throws Cokane into the chair, and sits down opposite him, taking out his pipe, and singing noisily]

Pour out the Rhine wine: let it flow

Like a free and bounding river

COKANE [scandalized] In the name of common decency, Harry, will you remember that you are a gentleman and not a coster on Hampstead Heath on Bank Holiday? Would you dream of behaving like this in London?

TRENCH Oh, rot! Ive come abroad to enjoy myself. So would you if youd just passed an examination after four years in the medical school and walking the hospital. [He again bursts into song.]

COKANE [rising] Trench: either you travel as a gentleman, or you travel alone. This is what makes Englishmen unpopular on the Continent. It may not matter before the natives; but the people who came on board the steamer at Bonn are English. I have been uneasy all the afternoon about what they must think of us. Look at our appearance.

TRENCH Whats wrong with our appearance?

COKANE Negligé, my dear fellow, negligé. On the steamboat a little negligé was quite en regie; but here, in this hotel, some of them are sure to dress for dinner; and you have nothing but that Norfolk jacket. How are they to know that you are well connected if you do not shew it by your manners?

TRENCH Pooh! the steamboat people were the scum of the earth Americans and all sorts. They may go hang themselves, Billy. I shall not bother about them. [He strikes a match, and proceeds to light his pipe.]

COKANE Do drop calling me Billy in public, Trench. My name is Cokane. I am sure they were persons of consequence: you were struck with the distinguished appearance of the father yourself.

TRENCH [sobered at once] What! those people? [He blows out the match and puts up his pipe.]

COKANE [following up his advantage triumphantly] Here, Harry, here: at this hotel. I recognized the father's umbrella in the hall.

TRENCH [with a touch of genuine shame] I suppose I ought to have brought a change. But a lot of luggage is such a nuisance; and [rising abruptly] at all events we can go and have a wash. [He turns to go into the hotel, but stops in consternation, seeing some people coming up to the riverside gate]. Oh, I say! Here they are.

A lady and gentleman, followed by a porter with some light parcels, not luggage, but shop purchases, come into the garden. They are apparently father and daughter. The gentleman is 50, tall, well preserved, and of upright carriage. His incisive, domineering utterance and imposing style, with his strong aquiline nose and resolute clean-shaven mouth, give him an air of importance. He wears a light grey frock-coat with silk linings, a white hat, and a field-glass slung in a new leather case. A self-made man, formidable to servants, not easily accessible to anyone. His daughter is a well-dressed, well-fed, good-looking, strong-minded young woman, presentably ladylike, but still her father's daughter. Nevertheless fresh and attractive, and none the worse for being vital and energetic rather than delicate and refined.

COKANE [quickly taking the arm of Trench, who is staring as if transfixed] Recollect yourself, Harry: presence of mind, presence of mind! [He strolls with him towards the hotel. The waiter comes out with the beer]. Kellner: Ceci-la est notre table. Est-ce que vous comprenez Français?

WAITER Yes, zare. Oil right, zare.

THE GENTLEMAN [to his porter] Place those things on that table. [The porter does not understand]

WAITER [interposing] Zese zhentellmen are using zis table, zare. Vould you mind?

THE GENTLEMAN [severely] You should have told me so before. [To Cokane, with fierce condescension] I regret the mistake, sir.

COKANE Dont mention it, my dear sir: dont mention it. Retain the place, I beg.

THE GENTLEMAN {coldly turning his back on him] Thank you. [To the porter] Place them on that table. [The porter makes no movement until the gentleman points to the parcels and peremptorily raps on another table, nearer the gate] .

PORTER Ja wohl, gnad'g' Herr. [He puts down the parcels].

THE GENTLEMAN [taking out a handful of money] Waiter.

WAITER [awestruck] Yes, zare.

THE GENTLEMAN Tea. For two. Out here.

WAITER Yes, zare. [He goes into the hotel.]

The gentleman selects a small coin from his handful of money, and gives it to the porter, who receives it with a submissive touch to his cap, and goes out, not daring to speak. His daughter sits down and opens a parcel of photographs. The gentleman takes out a Baedeker; places a chair for himself; and then, before sitting down, looks truculently at Cokane,as if waiting for him to take himself off. Cokane, not at all abashed, resumes his place at the other table with an air of modest good breeding, and calls to Trench, who is prowling irresolutely in the background.

COKANE Trench, my dear fellow: your beer is waiting for you. [He drinks.]

TRENCH [glad of the excuse to come back to his chair] Thank you, Cokane. [He also drinks.]

COKANE By the way, Harry, I have often meant to ask you: is Lady Roxdale your mother's sister or your father's? [This shot tells immediately. The gentleman is perceptibly interested.]

TRENCH My mother's, of course. What put that into your head?

COKANE Nothing. I was just thinking hm! She will expect you to marry, Harry: a doctor ought to marry.

TRENCH What has she got to do with it?

COKANE A great deal, dear boy. She looks forward to floating your wife in society in London.

TRENCH What rot!

COKANE Ah, you are young, dear boy: You dont know the importance of these things apparently idle ceremonial trifles, really the springs and wheels of a great aristocratic system. [The waiter comes back with the tea things, which he brings to the gentleman's table. Cokane rises and addresses the gentleman] My dear sir, excuse my addressing you; but I cannot help feeling that you prefer this table and that we are in your way.

THE GENTLEMAN [grafiously] Thank you. Blanche: This gentleman very kindly offers us his table, if you would prefer it.

BLANCHE Oh, thanks: It makes no difference.

THE GENTLEMAN [to Cokane} We are fellow travellers, I believe, sir.

COKANE Fellow travellers and fellow countrymen. Ah, we rarely feel the charm of our own tongue until it reaches our ears under a foreign sky. You have no doubt noticed that?

THE GENTLEMAN [a little puzzled] Hm! From a romantic point of view, possibly, very possibly. As a matter of fact, the sound of English makes me feel at home; and I dislike feeling at home when I am abroad. It is not precisely what one goes to the expense for. [He looks at Trench] I think this gentleman travelled with us also.

COKANE [acting as master of the ceremonies] My valued friend, Dr Trench. [The gentleman and Trench rise.] Trench, my dear fellow, allow me to introduce you to er? [He looks enquiringly at the gentleman, waiting for the name.]

THE GENTLEMAN Permit me to shake your hand, Dr Trench. My name is Sartorius; and I have the honor of being known to Lady Roxdale, who is, I believe, a near relative of yours. Blanche, [She looks up.] Dr Trench. [They bow.]

TRENCH Perhaps I should introduce my friend Cokane to you, Mr Sartorius: Mr William de Burgh Cokane. [Cokane makes an elaborate bow. Sartorius accepts it with dignity. The waiter meanwhile returns with teapot, hot water, etc.]

SARTORIUS [to the waiter] Two more cups.

WAITER Yes, zare. [He goes into the hotel.]

BLANCHE Do you take sugar, Mr Cokane?

COKANE Thank you. [To Sartorius] This is really too kind. Harry: Bring your chair round.

SARTORIUS You are very welcome. [Trench brings his chair to the tea table; and they all sit round it. The waiter returns with two more cups.]

WAITER Table d'hote at 'alf past zix, zhentellmenn. Ahnyzing else now, zare?

SARTORIUS No. You can go. [The waiter goes.]

COKANE [very agreeably] Do you contemplate a long stay here, Miss Sartorius?

BLANCHE We were thinking of going on to Rolandseck. Is it as nice as this place?

COKANE Harry: The Baedeker. Thank you. [He consults the index, and looks out Rolandseck.]

BLANCHE Sugar, Dr Trench?

TRENCH Thanks. [She hands him the cup, and looks meaningly at him for an instant. He looks down hastily, and glances apprehensively at Sartorius, who is preoccupied with a piece of bread and butter].

COKANE Rolandseck appears to be an extremely interesting place. [Rereads] "It is one of the most beautiful and frequented spots on the river, and is surrounded with numerous villas and pleasant gardens, chiefly belonging to wealthy merchants from the Lower Rhine, and extending along the wooded slopes at the back of the village."

BLANCHE That sounds civilized and comfortable. I vote we go there.

SARTORIUS Quite like our place at Surbiton, my dear.

BLANCHE Quite.

COKANE You have a place down the river? Ah, I envy you.

SARTORIUS No: I have merely taken a furnished villa at Surbiton for the summer. I live in Bedford Square. I am a vestryman and must reside in the parish.

BLANCHE Another cup, Mr Cokane?

COKANE Thank you, no. [To Sartorius] I presume you have been round this little place. Not much to see here, except the Apollinaris Church.

SARTORIUS [scandalized] The what!

COKANE The Apollinaris Church.

SARTORIUS A strange name to give a church. Very continental, I must say.

COKANE Ah, yes, yes, yes. That is where our neighbors fall short sometimes, Mr Sartorius: Taste, taste is what they occasionally fail in. But in this instance they are not to blame. The water is called after the church, not the church after the water.

SARTORIUS [as if this were an extenuating circumstance but not a complete excuse] I am glad to hear it. Is the church a celebrated one?

COKANE Baedeker stars it.

SARTORIUS [respectfully] Oh, in that case I should like to see it.

COKANE [reading] "...erected in 1839 by Zwirner, the late eminent architect of the cathedral of Cologne, at the expense of Count Fiirstenberg-Stammheim."

SARTORIUS [much impressed] We must certainly see that, Mr Cokane. I had no idea that the architect of Cologne cathedral lived so recently.

BLANCHE Dont let us bother about any more churches, papa. Theyre all the same; and I'm tired to death of them.

SARTORIUS Well, my dear, if you think it sensible to take a long and expensive journey to see what there is to be seen, and then go away without seeing it

BLANCHE Not this afternoon, papa, please.

SARTORIUS My dear: I should like you to see everything. It is part of your education

BLANCHE [rising, with a petulant sigh] Oh, my education! Very well, very well: I suppose I must go through with it. Are you coming, Dr Trench? [with a grimace] I'm sure the Johannis Church will be a treat for you.

COKANE [laughing softly and archly] Ah, excellent, excellent: Very good, indeed. [Seriously] But do you know, Miss Sartorius, there actually are Johannis churches here several of them as well as Apollinaris ones?

SARTORIUS [Sententiously, taking out his field-glass and leading the way to the gate] There is many a true word spoken in jest, Mr Cokane.

COKANE [accompanying him] How true! How true! [They go out together, ruminating profoundly. Blanche makes no movement to follow them. She watches until they are safely out of sight, and then posts herself before Trench, looking at him with an enigmatic smile, which he returns with a half sheepish, half conceited grin.]

BLANCHE Well! So you have done it at last.

TRENCH Yes. At least Cokane's done it. I told you he'd manage it. He's rather an ass in some ways; but he has tremendous tact.

BLANCHE [contemptuously] Tact! Thats not tact : thats inquisitiveness. Inquisitive people always have a lot of practice in getting into conversation with strangers. Why didnt you speak to my father yourself on the boat? You were ready enough to speak to me without any introduction.

TRENCH I didnt particularly want to talk to him.

BLANCHE It didnt occur to you, I suppose, that you put me in a false position by that.

TRENCH Oh, I dont see that, exactly. Besides, your father isnt an easy man to tackle. Of course, now that I know him, I see that he's pleasant enough; but then youve got to know him first, havnt you?

BLANCHE [impatiently] Everybody is afraid of papa: I'm sure I dont know why. [She sits down again, pouting a little.]

TRENCH [tenderly] However, it's all right now: Isnt it? [He sits near her.]

BLANCHE [sharply] I dont know. How should I? You had no right to speak to me that day on board the steamer. You thought I was alone, because [with false pathos] I had no mother with me.

TRENCH [protesting] Oh, I say! Come! It was you who spoke to me. Of course I was only too glad of the chance; but on my word I shouldnt have moved an eyelid if you hadnt given me a lead.

BLANCHE I only asked you the name of a castle. There was nothing unladylike in that.

TRENCH Of course not. Why shouldnt you? [With renewed tenderness] But it's all right now: Isnt it?

BLANCHE [softly, looking subtly at him] Is it?

TRENCH [suddenly becoming shy] I, I suppose so. By the way, what about the Apollinaris Church? Your father expects us to follow him, doesnt he?

BLANCHE [with suppressed resentment] Dont let me detain you if you wish to see it.

TRENCH Wont you come?

BLANCHE No. [She turns her face away moodily.]

TRENCH [alarmed] I say: youre not offended, are you? [She looks round at him for a moment with a reproachful film on her eyes.] Blanche— [She bristles instantly; overdoes it and frightens him.] I beg your pardon for calling you by your name; but I er— [She corrects her mistake by softening her expression eloquently. He responds with a gush] You dont mind, do you? I felt sure you wouldnt, somehow. Well, look here. I have no idea how you will receive this: It must seem horribly abrupt; but the circumstances do not admit of— The fact is, my utter want of tact— [he founders more and more, unable to see that she can hardly contain her eagerness.] Now, if it were Cokane—

BLANCHE [impatiently] Cokane!

TRENCH [terrified] No, not Cokane. Though I assure you I was only going to say about him that—

BLANCHE That he will be back presently with papa.

TRENCH [stupidly] Yes: They cant be very long now. I hope I'm not detaining you.

BLANCHE I thought you were detaining me because you had something to say.

TRENCH [totally unnerved] Not at all. At least, nothing very particular. That is, I'm afraid you wouldnt think it very particular. Another time, perhaps—

BLANCHE What other time? How do you know that we shall ever meet again? [Desperately] Tell me now. I want you to tell me now.

TRENCH Well, I was thinking that if we could make up our minds to or not to at least er- [His nervousness deprives him of the power of speech]

BLANCHE [giving him up as hopeless] I dont think theres much danger of your making up your mind, Dr Trench.

TRENCH [stammering] I only thought— [He stops and looks at her piteously. She hesitates a moment, and then puts her hands into his with calculated impulsiveness. He catches her in his arms with a cry of relief.] Dear Blanche! I thought I should never have said it. I believe I should have stood stuttering here all day if you hadnt helped me out with it.

BLANCHE [trying to get away from him] I didnt help you out with it.

TRENCH [holding her] I dont mean that you did it on purpose, of course. Only instinctively.

BLANCHE [still a little anxious] But you havnt said anything.

TRENCH What more can I say than this? [He kisses her again.]

BLANCHE [overcome by the kiss, but holding on to her point] But Harry-

TRENCH [delighted at the name] Yes?

BLANCHE When shall we be married?

TRENCH At the first church we meet: the Apollinaris Church, if you like.

BLANCHE No, but seriously. This is serious, Harry: you musnt joke about it.

TRENCH [looking suddenly round to the riverside gate and quickly releasing her] Sh! Here they are back again.

BLANCHE Oh, d— [The word is drowned by the clangor of a bell from within the hotel. The waiter appears on the steps, ringing it. Cokane and Sartorius are seen returning by the river gate]

WAITER Table d'h6te in dwendy minutes, ladies and zhentellmenn. [He goes into the hotel.]

SARTORIUS [gravely] I intended you to accompany us, Blanche.

BLANCHE Yes, papa. We were just about to start.

SARTORIUS We are rather dusty : we must make ourselves presentable at the table d'hote. I think you had better come in with me, my child. Come. [He offers Blanche his arm. The gravity of his manner overawes them all. Blanche silently takes his arm and goes into the hotel with him. Cokane, hardly less momentous than Sartorius himself, contemplates Trench with the severity of a judge].

THE REST OF THE TEXT IS AVAILABLE IN FULL VERSION.

Act II

TEXT AVAILABLE IN FULL VERSION.

Act III

TEXT AVAILABLE IN FULL VERSION.

Credits

George Bernard Shaw

WIDOWERS' HOUSES

Cover design: Avia Artis

Picture of George Bernard Shaw was used in the cover design.

Picture by: Underwood & Underwood

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© Avia Artis

2022